I recently listened to ‘Episode #157 of The Knowledge Project: Carolyn Coughlin: Become a better listener’ in which Shane Parish and Carolyn Coughlin covered many interesting perspectives on listening, particularly listening intentions. I found myself nodding along to her insights on listening. It struck a deep chord. Not just because the content was brilliant, but because it mirrored so much of what I see in leadership every day.
Carolyn unpacked the idea that we don’t just “listen” in one uniform way. We bring intentions to how we listen—sometimes consciously, often not. And depending on what intention we bring, we shape the outcomes of our conversations.
In leadership, where relationships and clarity are everything, this is a game-changing insight.
Let’s explore the four key listening approaches she highlighted, and how to use them with intention in your leadership practice.
The 4 Listening Intentions
1. Listening to Learn
“What don’t I know yet?”
This is the listening mode that’s most useful when you’re entering a new space, working with unfamiliar stakeholders, or exploring a complex issue. The focus here is on curiosity, not control.
💡Try this in practice:
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Ask open-ended questions: “What’s your perspective on this?” or “What’s most important to you about this?”
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Avoid rushing to conclusions, even when you think you’ve “heard it all before.”
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Be aware of confirmation bias: notice when you’re only listening for what aligns with what you already believe.
🔍 When to use it: When gathering information, understanding different angles, or building rapport with a new team or client.
2. Listening to Understand
“What is this person really feeling or experiencing?”
This mode is relational. It’s less about solving and more about connecting. It involves empathy, presence, and being willing to sit with emotion—yours and theirs.
💡Try this in practice:
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Reflect what you hear: “It sounds like this really impacted you.”
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Use body language and tone that signals openness (especially important in virtual settings).
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Hold the space without needing to jump in with fixes or responses.
💬 “I’m hearing that this has been really frustrating. Have I got that right?”
🔍 When to use it: When a team member is struggling, when emotions are high, or when trust needs rebuilding.
3. Listening to Fix
“What’s the solution here?”
This is the go-to mode for many leaders—and sometimes, it’s needed. Especially in fast-moving environments, problem-solving can feel like leadership in action. But it’s not always the right fit.
Carolyn highlights the risk of jumping too quickly into fix mode—it can leave the other person feeling unheard, patronised, or rushed.
💡Try this in practice:
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Ask before offering advice: “Would it be helpful if I offered a few ideas, or would you prefer I just listen?”
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Resist solving the wrong problem. Make sure you fully understand before you jump to solutions.
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Consider whether coaching is more helpful than telling.
🔍 When to use it: When someone has explicitly asked for support in resolving an issue, or when it’s clear that a decision or solution is needed.
4. Listening to Win
“Let me prove that I’m right or that you’re wrong.”
This one is sneakier and often unconscious. We may enter conversations with a desire to defend our position, minimise someone else’s experience, or make the discomfort go away quickly.
Carolyn defines this as the “let me make your problem disappear by telling you it’s not a problem” approach. And I’ve seen this happen so often in performance reviews and feedback conversations.
💡Watch for these signs:
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You find yourself interrupting or feeling impatient.
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You’re focused on your next point, not their current one.
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You feel the urge to dismiss or downplay their concern.
Instead of listening to win, try pausing. Ask yourself: What does this person need from me right now – validation, support, or a solution?
How To Choose The Right Listening Mode
The power isn’t in choosing one listening style and sticking to it, it’s in knowing when and how to use each one.
Here’s a quick framework to guide your intention:
| Situation | Listening Mode |
|---|---|
| Exploring ideas or context | Learn |
| Navigating tension or emotion | Understand |
| Helping someone make a decision | Fix |
| Feeling triggered or defensive | Reflect & Reset – avoid ‘Win’ mode |
If you’re unsure what mode is needed, start with listening to understand. It’s the mode that lays the groundwork for all the others.
How To Build Better Listening Habits
Just like any skill, intentional listening requires practice. Here’s how to bring this into your leadership rhythm:
1. Do a Listening Audit
Reflect on your recent conversations:
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Which mode do you default to?
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Where might a different approach have helped?
2. Set an Intention Before Conversations
Ask yourself: What does this conversation call for – learning, understanding, or fixing?
3. Check In Mid-Conversation
If you feel the energy shift or someone shuts down, pause.
Ask: “How’s this landing for you?” or “Would you like me to keep listening or offer some thoughts?”
4. Build Reflection into Team Culture
After a big discussion or decision, ask your team:
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“Did you feel heard?”
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“What could we do differently in how we listen to one another?”
What Listening Intention Are You Bringing
Listening isn’t passive, it’s a deliberate act of leadership. And it’s one of the most powerful tools we have to build trust, navigate complexity, and support growth.
So next time you find yourself reaching for the fix, the defence, or the quick reply… pause.
Ask yourself: What intention am I bringing to this moment?
And more importantly: What does this person need from me right now?
That’s where better leadership begins.
Want to build deeper listening skills in your leadership team?
Explore our Leadership Coaching programs or book a discovery call to discuss how we can help your leaders listen with intention and lead with impact.
